(Written on July 20th, 2013)
So, I’m on a plane again (See An Airplane Rant).
I’ve been on this flight for nearly seven hours. I fell asleep just before takeoff, and woke up within an hour. I watched two movies, and have been trying to sleep, but apparently that’s destined to fail seeing as a number of people sitting in window seats seem to think it’s okay to have the blinds on the windows open just a crack, so that it doesn’t bother them, while they sleep with their heads against the wall, but those of us in the middle section are hit with a rather bright and annoying light.
I really dislike day flights. Anyway we’re scheduled to land in just over two hours and I am exhausted. Welcome to the life of a traveler.
This started off as an airplane rant but I was thinking about other things when I decided to write. So let’s just delve into my issues for a bit.
One of them is that I seem to be on a negative-thoughts streak. I don’t know how it is for other people, but for me, negative thinking is like a switch. Once it has gone over to that side, I have to wait for someone or something to switch it back. Perhaps I’m late in realizing this, but I am always surprised that we have so little control over our minds. I don’t decide to sit here and picture every single horrible scenario I can think of for my life, but it just happens.
What would Freud would say? I’d like to know.
I do wonder what it means though. I wonder if it’s necessary, to fear things, once in awhile. Perhaps it’s how we learn not to take things for granted.
It seems to often occur when I am left alone. When I was sixteen I went through an extremely rough period of my life – and during that time I used to try to find ways to never be alone, because I realized that being alone was what triggered my thoughts to turn to fear, to sadness, and to hatred of my own self.
I wouldn’t say that I fear being alone. I have lived alone for four years, and for the most part I have really enjoyed my time by myself. It provides us not only with moments during which to stress, worry, and fear things, but also with moments during which to be inspired, and create.
If only I had control over my own switch. I would always have the light on, so that I would never have to deal with the fact that I’m human, and I’m afraid of what’s to come.
This doesn’t mean I’m not excited for the future – as a recent graduate (yay!) and someone who generally lives a fun and privileged life, I do feel as though I have good things ahead. But I guess it’s normal to be afraid, once in awhile.
Ugh, the jerk at the window just opened and closed the blind again. How does he not understand that people are trying to sleep in here? Gah!
I guess this was partially an airplane rant, partially just a string of thoughts I needed to get out.
I wish you all happier, lighter minds than mine, but also darker flights.